


Learn to Love Again

by baebabe



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Courtship, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Kingsguard, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series Finale, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-03-09 07:57:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18912787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baebabe/pseuds/baebabe
Summary: Second Love is Braver.It means you know how to forgive, you know how to risk getting hurt again because it’s worth it. It means that you’re prepared for the worst but you’re hoping for the best. Second love makes you stronger.I’m writing this story from the show canon. I hate what they did, truly hate it but their show!Brienne must live on in this world and I think she should get a happy ending. SO, no baby Lannister, no miraculously alive Jaime, no confirmation that he really loved her. Just Lady Commander Brienne healing and finding a new place in this world and new love too. Fix-its are great but just were not giving me the catharsis, I needed.





	1. He did

**Author's Note:**

> Second love shows you that you can be someone’s first choice and shows you what it really means to be loved. 
> 
> On another note: This is my first attempt at writing. The rating and tags might change. I'm going into this blind!!!!

Her knees had buckled the moment he was through the gates. Violent sobs rocked her body, and she could not breathe. It could have been minutes, hours, days before she settled into a whimper. Tears had frozen to her cheeks. She raised a hand to touch her face and found that it was numb and cold as a corpse. She felt like a corpse. The wights they’d defeated during the long night had more life in them than she did. Apart of her had wanted to lay on the cold Northern ground and freeze to death. It was a horrid thought. Even in the grief, despair, and heartache that felt all-consuming, she knew she shouldn’t think that way. People loved her; she knew. Her father, Pod, Sansa, and Arya they loved her. They would never forgive her for letting a broken heart be the end of her. A small torturous piece of her broken heart hoped _he_ would have felt their pain too.

Brienne held no illusions that she would decide to be fine, and make herself so. She could not simply hold her emotions back. She couldn't hold everything in and pretend nothing hurt, until the day they didn't anymore. She’d done it before with Renly. Grieved for the good man she’d loved and failed before finding a mission to distract her. Returning Lady Catelyn to her son. Renly was dead and when she could avenge him, she would, and much later she did. This was going to be different, she couldn't even fathom how different. Renly had never caressed her face, held her in the night, kissed her sweetly…

All at once, the sobs returned. Everything she’d lost and would never have again. Dawn was approaching, and soon, the courtyard would be filled with small folk. They’d already started to whisper and snicker about the Lady Knight and the Kingslayer. When the war was still fresh in the people's minds, no one paid them any attention. They were heroes, they'd fought bravely and defended the North. But after weeks of peace and normalcy, the Northerners began to look down on her for living like a common whore, worst a Lannister whore. She ran back to her chambers. The room was cold and dark. She’d let the fire die. Die, like he would--- the thought had to stop, for if she made herself think of his fate, doomed as it was, she’d truly be lost. No thoughts of loving family and friends could pull her back if she thought of Jaime Lannister's death. 

 

Podrick continued to knock on her door. “My Lady,” “Ser,” “Please.” She told him in a hoarse voice that she was ill and to leave her be. He’d returned again and again. She blocked the door with her bed to keep him from barging in. She could hardly look at that damned bed. She’d loved and been loved, in that bed, or so she had thought. She’d been happy, free, and brave. It was strange how similar it was to being brave in battle. Fear was present in both cases but was overcome by boldness and conviction that what you were doing was right. It was as the gods intended. She’d told Lady Catelyn once that she had a woman's kind of courage but never imagined, she would have it herself.

One day, she’d lock herself away for one day to cry and scream and hurt before returning to the world and hiding it in all deep inside. She took the furs from her bed and laid before her hearth crying herself to sleep. There were no thoughts, feelings, dreams, or nightmares, in the end, she was alone with her pain.

The next morning, she woke and washed her tear-swollen eyes and dressed. She considered if she should go to the yard, bash some poor man into nothing because that had made her feel better in the past. But it was not anger that filled her. Later perhaps it would come. When she’d have to face her father, look into his blue eyes, and know she had dishonored him. That she had given not only her heart but her maidenhead to a man she knew loved another.

_He’d_ never said anything about marriage, or any type of future. They had survived the Great War and were not to take an active role in the next. They were safe, so why hadn’t they talked about the future. Because he never wanted one with her. She took wine from her table and returned to her furs before the fire. She drank until she slept. Podrick had not knocked, and it seemed by now the entire castle must have known. When she awoke, it is still dark, and she was still drunk. Mostly she is hungry. Brienne moves the accursed bed out of her way and enters the hall. It seemed to be supper time with all the noise in the great hall and the smell of roasted meats. Her mouth watered, but she couldn't face anyone.

Before she can flee to her rooms, Pod calls, “Ser Brienne, I have your meal.” He hands her a heaping plate with a sad smile. She wonders if he’d waited at his own door all day for the moment, she would leave.

“Thank you, Podrick. That is very kind.” Her voice sounded strange to her own ears.

“It’s nothing, m’lady.” She took her meal and turned towards her door.

“He…Ser Jaime….he” Pod started stammering, “He didn’t deserve you.” After a pause she replied.

“He did,” She didn’t doubt it. After everything he has given her and done for her. “and I deserved him.”


	2. Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brienne learns about the bullshit that was episode 8x05. This is the HEAVY ANGST part, also very poor self-esteem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Jaime loved Brienne, you know Jaime loved Brienne but Brienne doesn't know he loved her, or at least not yet.

Time moved so strangely. She would wake, assist Sansa, oversee rebuilding projects, and continue to train others in the yard. At different moments, and in different locations, something would remind her of Jaime, and the ache in her stomach would return sharp and fresh as the night he’d left. She’d see something that would remind her of when they were together, once those thoughts had felt wonderful but now only left her bitter and pained. Worse was when something forced her to think on Jaime now. Was he alive, or dead? Was he still traveling, or was he with his hateful sister? Brienne had to accept that Jaime loved only Cersei. He loved her even after he left her. Jaime knew, he knew he would die with Cersei, but that was better than living with Big Brienne. He’d said as much himself.

When she thought back on their trip through the Riverlands, she’d usually thought of the good moments. The times he’d saved her, both her life and her virtue. She thought of soft smiles, gentle touches, and tearful goodbyes. At night when he held her close and called her beautiful, she should have remembered men lie. When he praised her legs, lips, and hips, she should have reminded herself about all the cruel things he’d said when they first met. She should have never forgotten his honest thoughts about her body. The way he felt about her looks before they became friends and he’d learn to look past her hideous physique. When they first met, he’d questioned if she was even a woman, and called her a “great beast,” “toe-headed plank,” and called her ugly more than any man she’d ever known.

One morning Brienne walked into the Great Hall to find Sansa and Maester Wolkan facing the hearth. Instantly, she was taken aback by their postures. Brienne had seen Lady Sansa tense before and spent enough time with the girl to know when she turned, her eyes would be filled with tears. What truly frightened her about the scene was the old Maester. His head hung low, and he shook as he breathed. The man was pale and looked as though he might be sick. This was a man who had served the Boltons for years and had seen savagery beyond what Brienne could imagine. He’d dressed the wounds of soldiers’ half-eaten by dead men, but he looked horrified by what he’d read. Sansa told the Maester to let Brienne read the scrolls for herself, she needed to find Bran at once. Nothing could prepare Brienne for what Lord Tyrion had written.

By the gods. She’d read the lines over and over. Daenerys had laid King’s Landing low. She’d burned hundreds of thousands of people in taking the city. From Drogon’s back, she rained dragon fire down on the living as she had on the wights. The innocent civilians, who had surrendered. She killed her people, for the city and all those in it were hers. She’d burned them in the streets, their homes, their beds. Jaime’s words ringing in her head. Tyrion was currently a prisoner because he’d freed Jaime and resigned as Daenerys’ Hand. Brienne read on, despite every part of her wanting to stop. She hated herself for the dread that took hold of her. She hated herself because one man’s death shouldn’t feel like a greater tragedy than the massacre of the people of King’s Landing. Jaime was dead, and knowing it was coming, did not prepare her.

Never, never, never. All her thoughts were of everything she and Jaime had never done and would never do. Death had never felt so final. She wailed and cried as she had never done in her life. Worse than the ungodly sound she made when Renly died in her arms, worse than the sobs when Jaime left her in the cold courtyard. People ran into the room to see if some great animal was dying. Maester Wolkan gave her something to drink. When she awoke, she was in her chamber alone under furs. She stayed there for days until Sansa informed her, she needed to put her heartbreak aside. They were needed in the Capital, what was left of the Capital. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, we learn why in the gods' green earth Brienne is on Bran's Kingsgaurd and not Sansa Queengaurd. Plus, meet the rest of the Kingsgaurd.


	3. White Cloak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long before Winterfell and drunken kisses, he told her that his sword and more, she could feel it, were hers. It was that memory that gave her the strength to stop him at the Dragon Pit. That moment in the red tent made her believe he might follow her North. Was King Bran telling her to follow her instincts because she’d been right then?

Brienne had known rage, fury, and spite all her life. She knew all the subtle shades of anger and had tasted the differences in their flavors.

Rage was violent. As violent as her desire to punch Jaime bloody in the courtyard. Even if she left him bleeding and never saw him again, he’d at least be alive, miserable but alive.

Fury was uncontrollable and intense. It made her want to scream and shout like a madwoman at the dead man. She wanted to belittle him. To tell him he was stupid, cruel, and so very small. How could he not see it, how could he not see how happy they could have been.

Spite left the bitterest taste in her mouth. The spiteful part of her was happy she would live on, and his beautiful hateful Queen did not. Yes, the long trip to King’s Landing provided many opportunities to release her anger. She beat bandits or any man foolish enough to say anything unkind about herself or her lady.

When they reached the gaping hole that had once been the Northern Gates to King’s Landing, the anger was burned out of her. They moved through the unsullied until Lady Arya greeted them. It was a relief to Brienne that she could still feel such warmth within her own heart. It had been some time since she felt warm.

 

Brienne felt more out of place during this second meeting at the Dragon Pit. Considering she felt like crawling out of her skin the first time, this seemed impossible. Before, she had stared at Jaime, seated next to his Queen. Back then, he was merely her secret longing, a hidden dream.

This time it was not her heart that made her feel inadequate but her station. It was usually her place to guard. She did not speak her own thoughts. She did not represent her house or the Stormlands. Sansa had asked Brienne to take a place of her own. Ever clever Sansa wanted to have another voice on her side, even one from a daughter of a minor house. Besides the other Stormlords present had been born common and were not Stormlanders. Gendry and Davos were of the Crownlands, Fleabottom in particular.

Really it should be her father here. At times it felt as though all the old laws and customs had been thrown to the wind. Greyworm entered with Tyrion in heavy chains. It seemed not all of her anger burned away on the road. This man, Lord Tyrion, had not only killed the man she loved, but he had a good deal to do with the deaths so heavy in the air here. Men, women, and children die because he made such a poor advisor for the Dragon Queen.

Brienne did not say as much to Lady Sansa, but she had admired Daenerys Targaryen. All she had done for the people of Essos and how much she sacrificed in the North in the Great War. In the end, she’d been a monster. Brienne was a poor judge of character it seemed.

 

The following day as she prepared to leave with the new Queen in the North, a soft and calm voice stopped her.

“Ser Brienne, may we speak?” King Bran, or would he go by Brandon now, called her.

“Of course, Your Grace.”

“Do you trust me?” he asked. Brienne paused because she did not know. She’d never been sure what to make of Lady Catelyn’s only living son. He’d kept Jaime’s secret about the fall that crippled him, but there were many things about the Three-Eyed Raven that made her nervous. Most of all, how disconnected he seemed from the world, understandably so, but still unnerving.

“I…” she didn’t know how to answer. Would he know if she lied?

“It’s yours, it will always be yours.” He repeated Ser Jaime’s words with no emotion. Brienne had never understood how Bran’s magic worked. Here he was saying the words that had so long ago made her believe maybe, just maybe, Jaime loved her back. Long before Winterfell and drunken kisses, he told her that his sword and more, she could feel it, were hers. It was that memory that gave her the strength to stop him at the Dragon Pit. That moment in the red tent made her believe he might follow her North. Was King Bran telling her to follow her instincts because she’d been right then?

 

He asked her to be his Lord Commander, and Sansa had already agreed. Her lady said she’d feel better knowing someone loyal would care for her little brother. Brienne thought of Lady Catelyn and her stories of the little boy who loved to climb. That boy was gone, but Brienne saw glimpses of him when he slept. If Brienne were honest with herself, it would be a relief not to return to Winterfell. It would always be a place full of memories that she had no desire to revisit.

So, she would stay in King’s Landing and become Lord Commander. She would vow her life to King Bran, give up her lands and titles, vow to take no husband and mother no children. She would be a knight of the Seven Kingdoms and guard her heart beneath her armor and vows. No man would hurt her again.

Her first duty as Lady Commander was to Knight Pod.

The King and his Hand selected the other five men to complete the guard. She trusted they would choose capable and honorable knights. But she still worried they might select men who may well bristle under the orders of a woman. During the Long Night, the men under her command hadn’t questioned her authority or orders, but there had been no time. These men would need to respect her as their superior and a large part a Brienne suspected there wouldn’t be five such knights left in the realm.

Within a moon’s turn, the knights had all arrived, her knights. Ser Symond Templeton, Ser Myles Manwoody, Ser Glendon Flowers, Ser Flement Brax, and Ser Allard Seaworth, son of Davos Seaworth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole the names from A Wiki of Ice and Fire. It seemed the better option over making-up names that sound like they fit the series. I've only read selected chapters from the books, but it didn't seem like these characters have very fleshed out personalities or backstories. These characters will be OCs with canon names, so let me know if at any point I'm pulling a D&D.


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